Life!
Lately it seems like I am surviving it more than I am living it.
It appears that, once again, I have allowed things to come between my sanity, my peace, and my happiness. You know how things kind of just sneak up on you and six months later your thinking where the heck did things go wrong. As you look back you see small things that happened and that slowly took over. You have stopped reading your Bible daily, stopped praying as often as you should, stopped going to church (with the plan that missing one Sunday wouldn't hurt). The next thing you know your shedding tears daily, the stress has you so wound up that you can't sleep and your shoving food in your mouth at the rate of 1,000 calories an hour to fill the emptiness....only to have it show right back up when you stop! Yep, I am there.
Back when I was attending AA/NA meetings we had a phrase...HALT..any time the urge and temptation hit HALT...are you to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. That was what we were to ask ourselves. Any ONE of those things can lead to relapse. Add more than one and you could very well be heading straight down the wrong path. Although it has been many years since I have attended those meetings regularly I still reach into the pile of "goodies" I learned from them. They go hand in hand with my religious beliefs and are useful for every day life. Skills learned but sometimes set aside.
As I have been thinking about them tonight I put them in a more direct light. A light that had more than just the surface word in mind.
HUNGRY....I always thought of this in the physical since. I realized today that hunger can mean so much more than the physical. I can be hungry for companionship, hungry for love, hungry for affection, hungry for peace and quiet, hungry for time alone, hungry for passion. It has an emotional, mental, and spiritual realm to it that I never realized before.
ANGRY....Anger can show itself in many ways. Resentment, hurt, grief, unfulfilled expectations, frustration, irritation, impatience. I associate any negative feeling (healthy or not) with anger. This isn't a good response. I know in my head it isn't an accurate depiction of what I am truly feeling but it all comes out as anger. I have a hard time separating the feelings.
LONELY.....I am the type of person who can be in a room full of people and feel lonely. I can also be completely alone in a room with no one to talk to and be completely at peace. I wasn't always this way. At one point I couldn't stand to be alone. I was on the go, non-stop, only going home long enough to sleep. Now, after some negative things happened in my life I am much more of an introvert. I feel very uncomfortable around people who i don't know well. Often I am uncomfortable to the point of having a severe panic attack.
TIRED....Again, I think of this in the physical but it can very much be emotional, mental, or spiritual. For the last year we have had several people living with us. We opened a resale shop, I stated a second job working in a restaurant, we own a farm, and I have been dealing with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. I have stretched myself so thin in every area of my life that I am just exhausted in every sense of the word.
With all that being said I have basically caused myself to have an enormous amount of stress that has accumulated itself into extreme anxiety.
Two days ago all of these things came to a head. I found myself the last couple of days crying at the drop of a hat, being frustrated and irritated and the slightest things, being lonely, overeating, and just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
I have dental surgery coming on the 8th and a hernia surgery on the 9th. I was working 60 plus hours a week, driving at least an hour a day, coming home and cooking and doing what needed done, and only getting about 5 hours of sleep per night.
I broke. It was just too much. I had no time for God. All the things I did for a good purpose and reason...however, I chose to do some of those things without praying about them first. I took on an extra job which cut into my relationship with the Lord because I just couldn't find the time to spend with him.
I own the issues. They were of my own making. Now, I have to prayerfully consider what it is and isn't that I should be doing which causes anxiety because I will be adding the stress of finances if I make the wrong decision.
I knew that the first thing I needed to do was quit the second job. I took care of that yesterday. Tears. I cried an extreme amount of tears over quitting that job. It was only an extr $600 or so a month but by quitting I felt like I was giving up extra spending money. In reality, when I look at it, I wasn't really giving up any extra money. I was having to wash uniforms every other day, I was spending more in gas, I was eating out for the convenience, I was causing myself to be over tired, I was pulling away from the Lord....I was paying a much greater price to have the job than I am to not have it. It just took me listening to the Lord long enough to realized that.
The 20 hours a week I freed up can now be put to a much better use. Spending time with the Lord, concentrating on the resale shop, spending time homesteading and gardening and doing those things that need to be done. I will have much less stress meaning less medication which can only be healthier and cheaper.
I realize that my "mess" was man made. I realize that I allowed myself to get to a wall where I had to HALT. Luckily, I serve an awesome God and He stands beside me and welcomes me back with open arms and is willing to lead and guide me when I am willing to give it all to Him. I wish I could learn to just give him the depression, fear, and anxiety and stop taking it back from Him on a regular basis. I wonder sometimes if I will ever learn that lesson.
Although I am still praying about the right choices to make I am feeling a bit of relief already. Funny how owning up to the issue is the one thing that is calming when I fear that it will be the worst thing ever.
Thanks for always sticking with me and for hanging around even when I haven't been the greatest host!
