The Life That I Lead

Please forgive me for not having posted much sooner than tonight. I would like to say that I had some amazing excuse and give you this wonderful story of the days that have gone by. Truth be told, there is a story, but one that isn't that amazing. Actually, it is kind of sobering to some degree. 

Firstly, I have realized that being a "farmers wife" isn't the only title I carry. It is one of the few that I am most proud of...but far from the only title in front of my name. When all the other titles are put in front as well it seems I am a much more colorful person than I could have ever imagined. 

To some degree, I suppose, because of stigma and fear, I have really set aside a big part of who I am as a person for fear that others would see me differently or think oddly of me. 

I am learning that I must make all things work together to figure out who, exactly, I am and allow all of the things to be what they are without discoloring the rest of the person. 

With that being said, yes, this will still be my life and Christian journey on our small farm. It will also have the spice of life that I have known as Bipolar 2 Disorder for the last 23 years, the struggles as a person with PTSD and anxiety issues, the fears, the joys, and the love that I have known as family and friends for so long. 

I must admit, I was trying to separate that part of me, from this blog and I found it impossible to do. For how I view things aren't viewed from the eyes of a "normal, average" person. I am not either of those things. Actually, I probably am to a much greater degree than people realize as my struggles seem to coincide with others only with a greater degree of intensity. 

For those who are about to judge, please, stop, think, and research BEFORE you react. There are many people who have made amazing contributions to this world in spite of Bipolar Disorder. Albert Einstein, Katherine Zeta Jones, Patty Duke, Beethoven, Georg Cantor, Kurt Cobain, Charles Dickens, Stephen King, and Patrick Kennedy to name a few. 

Bipolar Disorder, easily controlled with medications, is often thought of as some horrible thing. Add PTSD in with it and you could, quite possibly, have the recipe for disaster if someone is unmedicated. However, I am fortunate and was diagnosed early (1990). I have been stable on medications for most of my adult life and I have found myself able to be fairly successful. 

Recently, during a time without insurance, I was not able to have my medications. I have struggled daily, during this time, to keep my head above water and not become overwhelmed. I have finally been able to get back into a doctor and will be able to start those medications again fairly soon. It could take a few months for the full effects to become noticeable but at least relief is on its way in the near future. That makes things appear much more hopeful.

Today I realized that those things are as much a part of me as being a farmer, being a wife, being a mother, being a daughter....so why try to lose them in the sight of a blog that is about my journey through life. A journey always includes ups and downs. It always shares itself with greatness and adversity. To lose a part of myself, in order to appear normal, is as much a lie as if I told you I was President of the United States....and we all know that is probably not anywhere near the truth. 

I will always try to refrain from making posts negative or depressing...but I do want others to realize that sometimes depressing and negative are what I am dealing with. Life is a roller coaster in the best of circumstances...add some funky stuff in there and you have yourself a whole amusement park.

I suppose, to some degree, this post is more for myself than readers. I did want to give readers a heads-up in case any choose to not stay. I am okay with that as everyone has to do what makes them feel safe and secure. 

I will be posting more often...about my journey as a Christian woman, as a biploar woman, as a farmers wife, and all the other "hats" that I wear. 

For now I will leave you with some quotes that I have found helped me to understand all of these things to a much greater degree....

“Creativity is closely associated with bipolar disorder. This condition is unique . Many famous historical figures and artists have had this. Yet they have led a full life and contributed so much to the society and world at large. See, you have a gift. People with bipolar disorder are very very sensitive. Much more than ordinary people. They are able to experience emotions in a very deep and intense way. It gives them a very different perspective of the world. It is not that they lose touch with reality. But the feelings of extreme intensity are manifested in creative things. They pour their emotions into either writing or whatever field they have chosen" (pg 181)” 
― Preeti Shenoy, Life is What You Make It

“Except you cannot outrun insanity, anymore than you can outrun your own shadow.” 
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.” 
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Before I die I'd love to see my name on the Famous Bi Polar list I'm not ashamed of my Illness I believe most of my talent comes from it.” 
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

“It was as if my father had given me, by way of temperament, an impossibly wild, dark, and unbroken horse. It was a horse without a name, and a horse with no experience of a bit between its teeth. My mother taught me to gentle it; gave me the discipline and love to break it; and- as Alexander had known so intuitively with Bucephalus- she understood, and taught me, that the beast was best handled by turning it toward the sun.” 
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Cincinatti was where I learned that running away from your problems has a three-month statute of limitations, a lesson I have found repeatedly to be true. Three months is still a first impression -- of a city, of other people, of yourself in that place. But there comes a point when you can no longer hide who you are, and the reactions of others become all too familiar...” 
― Stacy Pershall, Loud in the House of Myself: Memoir of a Strange Girl

“In the terms of 'Mental Illness' Isn't stable a place they put horses that wish to run free?” 
― Stanley Victor Paskavich