Coupon Shopping Trip

I was able to go into town this evening and do some "coupon" shopping as I like to call it. 

Homeland, one of our grocery stores, had a pretty good sale on. I haven't been saving coupons the last few months so I didn't have near what I would have liked to have, coupon wise, when I went into the store. Breaks my heart that I got depressed and stopped clipping them.

Most of the coupons today I printed from Swagbucks so I will get  10 swagbucks for every single one I used. That will be about 120 swagbucks..so not too shabby. I like to use Swagbucks because it allows me to earn a little extra spending money for items for Christmas. That always makes it nice. 

Here is a list of my haul today. I didn't take a photo before putting it all up and now I wish I had :-)

10 packages Feminine Products   

4 toothbrushes

1 tube coalgate toothpaste

30 bars Ivory soap

8 bars soft soap

2 soft soap body wash

1 Bar Keepers Friend Cleaner

8 Boxes Suddenly Salad

26  Boxes  Hamburger Helper

4 Herbal Essence Shampoos

3 Herbal Essence Condition

1 Herbal Essence Mousse

8 Gillette Shaving Gel

4 Palmolive Dish Soap

4 Packages Hefty Food Storage Bags

2 Reach Dental Floss

6 Bags Bugle Chips

20 rolls Angel Soft Toilet Paper

5 Rolls Sparkle Paper Towels

Total Retail Cost $274.58

Total I spent $76.82

I also have $4 CVS ECB and $4 worth of registar rewards to spend in those stores. 

I saved 72% on items today. 

This helps my family to stretch our money just as far as we can possibly stretch it. 

For the record, I believe in giving to food pantries, shelters, and others in need. I do have a stockpile but I always try to share. :-)

The Life That I Lead

Please forgive me for not having posted much sooner than tonight. I would like to say that I had some amazing excuse and give you this wonderful story of the days that have gone by. Truth be told, there is a story, but one that isn't that amazing. Actually, it is kind of sobering to some degree. 

Firstly, I have realized that being a "farmers wife" isn't the only title I carry. It is one of the few that I am most proud of...but far from the only title in front of my name. When all the other titles are put in front as well it seems I am a much more colorful person than I could have ever imagined. 

To some degree, I suppose, because of stigma and fear, I have really set aside a big part of who I am as a person for fear that others would see me differently or think oddly of me. 

I am learning that I must make all things work together to figure out who, exactly, I am and allow all of the things to be what they are without discoloring the rest of the person. 

With that being said, yes, this will still be my life and Christian journey on our small farm. It will also have the spice of life that I have known as Bipolar 2 Disorder for the last 23 years, the struggles as a person with PTSD and anxiety issues, the fears, the joys, and the love that I have known as family and friends for so long. 

I must admit, I was trying to separate that part of me, from this blog and I found it impossible to do. For how I view things aren't viewed from the eyes of a "normal, average" person. I am not either of those things. Actually, I probably am to a much greater degree than people realize as my struggles seem to coincide with others only with a greater degree of intensity. 

For those who are about to judge, please, stop, think, and research BEFORE you react. There are many people who have made amazing contributions to this world in spite of Bipolar Disorder. Albert Einstein, Katherine Zeta Jones, Patty Duke, Beethoven, Georg Cantor, Kurt Cobain, Charles Dickens, Stephen King, and Patrick Kennedy to name a few. 

Bipolar Disorder, easily controlled with medications, is often thought of as some horrible thing. Add PTSD in with it and you could, quite possibly, have the recipe for disaster if someone is unmedicated. However, I am fortunate and was diagnosed early (1990). I have been stable on medications for most of my adult life and I have found myself able to be fairly successful. 

Recently, during a time without insurance, I was not able to have my medications. I have struggled daily, during this time, to keep my head above water and not become overwhelmed. I have finally been able to get back into a doctor and will be able to start those medications again fairly soon. It could take a few months for the full effects to become noticeable but at least relief is on its way in the near future. That makes things appear much more hopeful.

Today I realized that those things are as much a part of me as being a farmer, being a wife, being a mother, being a daughter....so why try to lose them in the sight of a blog that is about my journey through life. A journey always includes ups and downs. It always shares itself with greatness and adversity. To lose a part of myself, in order to appear normal, is as much a lie as if I told you I was President of the United States....and we all know that is probably not anywhere near the truth. 

I will always try to refrain from making posts negative or depressing...but I do want others to realize that sometimes depressing and negative are what I am dealing with. Life is a roller coaster in the best of circumstances...add some funky stuff in there and you have yourself a whole amusement park.

I suppose, to some degree, this post is more for myself than readers. I did want to give readers a heads-up in case any choose to not stay. I am okay with that as everyone has to do what makes them feel safe and secure. 

I will be posting more often...about my journey as a Christian woman, as a biploar woman, as a farmers wife, and all the other "hats" that I wear. 

For now I will leave you with some quotes that I have found helped me to understand all of these things to a much greater degree....

“Creativity is closely associated with bipolar disorder. This condition is unique . Many famous historical figures and artists have had this. Yet they have led a full life and contributed so much to the society and world at large. See, you have a gift. People with bipolar disorder are very very sensitive. Much more than ordinary people. They are able to experience emotions in a very deep and intense way. It gives them a very different perspective of the world. It is not that they lose touch with reality. But the feelings of extreme intensity are manifested in creative things. They pour their emotions into either writing or whatever field they have chosen" (pg 181)” 
― Preeti Shenoy, Life is What You Make It

“Except you cannot outrun insanity, anymore than you can outrun your own shadow.” 
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.” 
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Before I die I'd love to see my name on the Famous Bi Polar list I'm not ashamed of my Illness I believe most of my talent comes from it.” 
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

“It was as if my father had given me, by way of temperament, an impossibly wild, dark, and unbroken horse. It was a horse without a name, and a horse with no experience of a bit between its teeth. My mother taught me to gentle it; gave me the discipline and love to break it; and- as Alexander had known so intuitively with Bucephalus- she understood, and taught me, that the beast was best handled by turning it toward the sun.” 
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Cincinatti was where I learned that running away from your problems has a three-month statute of limitations, a lesson I have found repeatedly to be true. Three months is still a first impression -- of a city, of other people, of yourself in that place. But there comes a point when you can no longer hide who you are, and the reactions of others become all too familiar...” 
― Stacy Pershall, Loud in the House of Myself: Memoir of a Strange Girl

“In the terms of 'Mental Illness' Isn't stable a place they put horses that wish to run free?” 
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

A Few Animals Is All It Takes To Start A Farm

Good Day my wonderful friends!

All of you know that I have not been a "farm wife" very long. We decided just a few years ago to start out farm. We started out slow with just a few chickens and a bottle baby goat. We added a few goats as we could. We saved and bought a good billy goat for $150. We added a few does as we could after waiting to find the right price on the right ones. We bought older ones that only have 5 or 6 more kidding's left. They were proven mothers but getting older so the man no longer wanted them. They two older does we bought were already bred and we got them for $100 each. In our eyes that meant we would have babies on the ground shortly. That worked for 1 of the does but the other doe lost her twins about a month before her due date. Luckily we didn't anticipate those babies being money makers but more to grow our heard. The doe who was able to complete her pregnancy gave us one billy and one female. The female was gorgeous in color and we named her Sunday she was born on a Sunday and was a miracle baby as she was born in the mud along with her brother and we didn't think either of them would live). The billy she gave us as a kid was traded for a black headed doe (that we named Jazzy because we traded her for Jasper the little billy that was the first goat ever born on our farm)  that would serve to raise the value of our goats in the traditional black head Boers once she is able to kid herself.  That was back in February. She still isn't old enough to breed yet but it has been wonderful to see her grow. The second doe that had babies, Daisy, had hers premature and we lost both of them. Both were bucks. 

Princess, a winning show goat that we bought from a lady that lived near us, was the next to have babies. She was bred when we bought her for $100. She had two billies. One we have decided to keep. Princess was not a very good mother. She would only feed one of the babies. Luckily, Sallie Mae, a doe we bought for $40 was pregnant and gave birth a week later to twin boys. She was able to take on Princess other baby. We did finally loose him due to the fact he had mites and we didn't realize how bad they were but we have sold both of Sallie's billy babies for $50 each. Her boys will be leaving today.

We traded some tires for another older female named Horns. She is now bred and should be having babies in a few months. Again she is an older goat and may produce only a few kids, if any for us. 

Right now the does that we have pregnant are:

 Rosie, a show winning goat we buckled and bought for $200. She is an all brown goat and adorable, lovely, and friendly. This will be her first kidding. We are sure she will produce beautiful goats with wonderful coloring. We do not know how she will be as a mother but she is a really loving goat and interacts well with the rest of the herd.

Georgia, a massive huge show goat we got for $75 because she kept getting out of the original owners pen. We are not sure if she has kidded before but she has gotten very loving during her pregnancy. She normally doesn't want to be handled or touched. She is a kicker and will get you if you come up behind her. I am interested in seeing how she does as a mother.

Hannah one of the original 4 goats we bought..she gave us Sunday and Jasper in January. She is a wonderful and protective mother that allows her kids to nurse a little too long. However, she has a wonderful personality and stays close to her kids.

Holly, Hannah's sister. She is the one that lost her babies in December. After giving her some time to heal we decided to try her again. We are not sure how she is as a mother yet but she gets really loving during pregnancy. Outside of pregnancy she is one of those you have to watch or she will horn you.

Sarah Beth, an all white show goat that we bought from a dear friend for $125. She has never been bred before so we aren't sure what kind of mother she will be. However, she is one of the most loving of all our goats and loves to be petted. Right now she has a swollen foot and is receiving antibiotics as we aren't sure for certain if we just waited to long to cut her hooves back or if she twisted it and got hurt.

Dorothy, a first place show goat that we bought from another friend for just $100. This will be her second kidding (Princess is her daughter). We have not had her during a kidding so not sure how she is as a mother. She tends to be one of our more unsociable goats, even though she was shown at the fair and won first place. She tends to like to here you talk to her but isn't fond of being touched.

Daisy,  who lost a set of babies in February due to prematurity. It was her first set of babies and she had twins. I believe she was horned by another goat that caused her to go into labor early. She was my second goat ever that I bought. She loves me and doesn't realize she is a goat. I think this came out when she gave birth. She doesn't really care for being a mother..she is more of a baby. Of course, she kidded prematurely and so that may have had a lot to do with why she didn't really care for the first babies. We are hoping a second kidding will kick her motherly instincts in. She does produce a good amount of milk and so we can always milk her and bottle feed if she proves to not be a good mother. 

Sallie, who had her first set of kids in December and took on a 3rd baby to nurse. As a first time mom she did wonderfully and produced enough milk for 3 babies to survive. She never once missed a beat when it came to her babies.

Princess, she had a first kidding this year and had twins. She didn't prove to be a very good mother and didn't have very much milk. This gives us a heads up to breed her when we are breeding others so we have extra milk for her babies.

Although most people have little maintenance of their goats in the summer we do choose to shear ours so they remain cooler and we are better able to control the flies, mites, and lice that they can get. They get nails clipped once a month. as well, which can be a little time consuming. I do know of people who have said that if you have rocks and such for the goats to climb on that their hooves won't need to be clipped. I have not found this to be accurate in my own herd, however. My particular herd just looks at the rocks as if they are merely an a neausance to walk around instead of over.

Praising The Father In An Emotional Battle...

Emotional Storms. Spiritual Warfare. Depression. Anger. Fear. Doubt.

This picture depicts every idea and feeling running through my head and heart tonight. 

A night of worry about my step-daughter, who chose to spread her wings today, and move out at a young tender age and into a situation that is far from good for her.

The only way I could battle the grief and the thought that Satan was winning in her life was to stay up and worry...which got me no where. It dawned on me..I was setting and worrying instead of praying and praising....so I turned on the praise music....posted some on Facebook....sang along...and prayed. 

With 18 minutes left until the alarm goes off to wake up I have a much calmer spirit and I know that God is working. It took a while to realize not to pray for strength without praying for bail money to go with it...so I prayed for peace....what an amazing God we serve! Peace came...not quickly....but it has come....and I am thankful that I was able to spend several hours, alone, with the Lord...my best friend, my father, my comforter, my healer, and the  ultimate promise keeper.

Jeremiah 29:11 says  "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Blessings Abound

I was setting at the computer about an hour ago messing with the Facebook page and all of a sudden this crack of thunder jolted me out of the chair. It was one of those thunder sounds that wakes you up in the night with a loud crack and boom. Of course, half of the dogs were in the front yard and the other half were inside. None of them are fond of thunderstorms so I had to get them quieted down. 

Then the amazing sound of rain on the tin roof. The sound that brings water for the field, the raising of the ponds, cooler temperatures so the animals are more comfortable, less noise in the house because I can turn off the AC and enjoy the windows being cracked and getting fresh air, as well as the feelings of joy, peace, and being blessed.

Some people find rain to be an annoyance. Something that makes their hair frizz, their make up run, the trip into the grocery store more miserable. However, I find rain to be a blessing! I am thankful when it rains, but I didn't use to feel that way.

Before I lived in the "country" and on a "farm" I was seriously irritated by the rain. I ran a nationally franchised restaurant and rain tended to make sales go down, labor costs go up, food costs to go crazy, and a miserable day of extra cleaning for myself and my crew. I lived in a pretty good sized city and was irritated by having to "run" to my car between work and home. 

Since moving to the country and owning a farm I have found that the complete opposite is true. I pray for rain. I walk in the rain. I enjoy the smell of the rain. I enjoy watching the ducks play in the rain and rush in and out of the pond. I revel in watching the goats lay around lazily and rest in their "building" as they watch for clear skies so they can go eat more grass. I find the way the chickens run for the barn during the rain and leave to search for "goodies" when it is over such a joy.

I wonder, sometimes, if we realize what we miss when we live a life so quick and fast that things are an annoyance rather than a blessing. I know I didn't realize it until I was able to experience it for myself.

Life on the farm has a different kind of stress. The farm is much more labor intensive. It also requires a lot of preparation, planning, and desire to maintain it. Managing a restaurant was more mental stress. It required me to be mentally there even when I wasn't physically there. I had little time or energy to communicate with my family. Nights were spent going over every aspect of profit and loss statements, employee schedules, health department regulations, etc. 

The farm has a peacefulness. When something needs done you know it is probably going to amount to a good deal of elbow grease, 15 different attempts to get it to work, and then the satisfaction of seeing it do for you and your family what it was intended to do. The restaurant had an urgency. When something needed done there it took an act of congress to get corporate to come off the money, you never knew if someone would show up to fix it, and when they did you got to see it make the higher ups get a pat on the back and a raise while you watched your crew struggle on minimum wage. 

I make roughly $30,000 dollars less a year now than I did when I worked for a corporation. My house payment hasn't gone down any. I have repair bills, I have feed bills, I have all the bills that I had when I lived in the city. The funniest thing about it all is that I don't have the fancy car (or the payment), the cost of the insurance and tag for the fancy car, the drive to another city to work, the cost of going out to eat with my family all the time because no one was home to make dinner, the cost of fresh meat, eggs,  or vegetables because we have our own here on the farm, the cost of a baby sitter because I am home to enjoy my kids, the cost of the movie tickets every week because I am so stressed I wanted the kids out of my hair, the cost of the gas to commute to work and to take the kids running around all the time, the extra cost of washing and  drying my uniforms, and things of that nature. 

I live much more comfortably on the roughly $30,000 a year we make on the farm than I ever would have on the $62,000 I made at the restaurant. More than half of my income went to work related "issues", I stayed stressed out all the time, had high blood pressure, high blood sugar, headaches, and anxiety. My cure for anxiety now is to walk out my back door, watch the animals, breath in the fresh air, go to the garden and get me some fresh stuff for a salad and eat healthy. 

Oddly enough I prefer the lifestyle I have now. I am not sure I could ever return to the city and live. I enjoy going and having a shopping day there once in awhile but living there just isn't for me anymore.

I am blessed beyond measure to be a farmers wife!

Elephant Ears and Why

Elephant Ears...I remember my grandmother digging those things up and giving them away to her friends and family. She had planted a few many years ago and they took her yard over. She loved them for several reasons. They grew back each year, more healthy, beautiful and abundant than the year before. It was free to hand off extras to family and friends and it wouldn't kill her own plants out, and they were a gorgeous color of green that brightened up the yard.

I had the chance to buy some at Atwoods the other day. They were fairly cheap at just $0.99 so I got 5 bulbs. We planted them this evening and I will wait, probably impatiently, for them to peak their pretty tips out of the earth and up into beautiful, green vegetation.

We have a small deck where we enter and exit the house. I put them on the outer edge of the deck so that they will have plenty of room to grow. I remember grandmothers being in a place that got very little sunlight so I am hoping these will work as well for me as they did for granny.

I find it amazing that these palm sized bulbs will grow, wherever planted, with fervor and joy. They care not about what is going on around them. They don't worry about if it is sunny, shady, rainy, or cloudy. They only need soil and some water. The other elements aren't nearly as important as the direct needs. Although sun is desirable it isn't necessary. 

Next spring there will be more than 5 bulbs in the earth. I will be able to dig some of those bulbs up and plant them near the back of the house and out towards the pond where I like to set and watch the animals. I will be able to share them with friends who can enjoy them.

I wonder what would happen if we never complained about the surroundings but always went ahead and did what we are suppose to do. I wonder how much better life would be if  I was less busy questioning why God allowed me to be there and more busy asking Him what He wanted me to do while I was in the particular situation.

I often get irritated with my kids for wanting to know "Why" about everything yet I turn around and do the same thing to the Heavenly Father. It is as if I am still a small child when it comes to obedience to God and yet I correct my own children for the same behavior I display towards the Lord. This is one of those things I seriously need to be praying about and working on.

Just when I think its clean....more dirt is revealed

I have spent the last 3 days shampooing the carpets in my home. Today I decided to do our bedroom. 4 hours later I find myself going over the same spots. I thought they were clean and even told my kids "look how nice the carpet looks". I decided to just run over it real quickly another time to check and make sure I got all of it clean. 

I found more dirt. Nasty, stinky, filthy, water. The floor looked clean. The floor smelled clean. The floor appeared clean. Guess what wasn't clean? Yes, the floor.

After about the 6th time of going over the same spot and having to change the nasty water that had come up from the carpet and refill the clean water I wondered if this is what happens when God looks at my heart. How many "hidden" things do I keep there. I sweep out the large things so everyone thinks my heart is pure and clean. What about the secrets that are hidden that no one else sees? What about the bad word I said when I was angry? What about the fact that I spoke badly about someone behind their back? What about the fact that I begrudgingly helped someone for the wrong reason? What about the days I don't spend time with God? What about the money I spend on needless items because I want them when I know there is someone in need? What about the anger I took out on my husband? The post that was passive-aggressive I posted on facebook? 

What about all the things I do that others don't notice? Do I always ask forgiveness for the things I do that no one else sees? Am I sure my heart is pure and right? 

I never dreamed that shampooing carpets would bring my to my knees in tears crying out to the Lord. I am thankful that the Lord uses even menial tasks to show me where I need to change things and what needs work. I am thankful that he gives me the desire to do those tasks so that my mind is "unbusy" so he can talk to me and show me things.

I think, so often, we see housework and those things that we have to do when we are mom's, housewives, employees, and women as things that don't truly matter to anyone. The truth is that without those things our families would not function as well as they do. I am proud to be able to do those things and show my family love and responsibility in the small things in life.

Thank You Jesus for speaking to me today!